HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA!

We’re sure you’re curious about the singles waiting to meet you courtesy of Rainbow Bay’s debut Woofr app – ‘♫ for people who love dogs who love people who love dogs ♫’. Below you’ll find a sampler of the most eligible beau-less Rainbow Bay residents this side of your right-swipe, so what are you waiting for? Go bark up the right tree!

ANDERS HAMILTON, 36

Partner in a successful local law firm, Anders has both smarts and good looks to win you over.

An angel in the courtroom and a cheeky devil in the sheets, Anders has maybe a little too much love to share around. Known to a long list of ex-lovers as the resident Casanova of Rainbow Bay, potential suitors should know they’re in for a good time, not a long time.

And what a time it’ll be! When he’s not helping wealthy socialites file length divorce settlements, Anders unwinds in the kitchen. Refusing to let his deteriorating eyesight stand between him and culinary delights, he’ll be sure to remind you he’s prepared to wake you up with perfectly poached eggs and immaculate coffee the morning after… well, you know.

But let’s not forget about the dog behind the man. Or, well, in front of him. Hemingway is a beautiful labrador retriever and Anders’ loyal guide dog. He enjoys gourmet dog food and some old peace and quiet.

Astrid Brooks, 23

That’s right, THE Astrid Brooks! Former travelling ballet star turned figure skating champion-to-be, Astrid Brooks is the talk of the town here in Rainbow Bay. Not only does she have rhythm and grace, she’s packing all sorts of muscle in that tight little bod.

There are few things Astrid asks for in a potential lover: ambition and perfection. That’s all! Can you believe it?

When she’s not tearing up the skating rink, you can find Astrid down at the local market browsing the extensive range of natural dog treats, scented candles, tarot cards and tarot accessories. Rumour has it you can catch a special show of hers down at the Acoustic Chanteuse on Saturday nights… but you didn’t hear that from us!

That enormous ball of fur next to Astrid is Laika. If you were ever to meet a dog who seems to be rainbows and sunshine incarnate, that’s Laika. She loves playing, chewing and being brushed — and sometimes joins Astrid on the ice.

Felix Greene, 22

Our youngest eligible bachelor, Felix may be “green”, but his cheeks are often red. This muscle-bound librarian is quick to blush despite his buff exterior.

While Felix may spend most of his free time hitting the gym, don’t mistake his muscles for machismo. All those hours on the treadmill are set to a soundtrack of true crime podcasts, which fuel his ambitions for a career in forensics. Some even say he’s been working on a podcast of his own!

When asked about his previous dating experiences, Felix quickly excused himself. We spoke to known associate Maribel Summers who quickly descended into a laughing fit.

Felix’s best friend is the young, energetic German shepherd Mulder. Fit as a fiddle and full of youthful rebellion, Mulder is sure to be a handful for Felix as he adapts to life with a puppy.

Maribel Summers, 25

Few people combine great intelligence and thighs that could crush your skull into one ball of unbridled, unrestrained chaotic energy. Maribel Summers is a ball of fire on an unstoppable course to your heart.

As an up and coming urban planner, Maribel’s key ambition lies in launching an affordable housing scheme here in Rainbow Bay. Her priorities are safe, healthy and affordable homes — even if it means high density accommodation. Of course, all of this depends on if the people of Rainbow Bay will agree to losing their beloved views…

Outside of town hall, Maribel is an avid runner and protein bar enthusiast. We asked her what protein bar was her favourite and she started listing products that don’t even sound like real things, so we’ve decided to exclude her answer and just say “chocolate”.

But we can’t leave out that little Pomeranian! Gravedigger, or Gravy for short, is “the light of Maribel’s life”. Maribel tells us, “if anything happens to Gravy I’ll kill everyone in this room and then myself”. Fair enough, Maribel. Fair enough.

Robin Savage, 30

Looking for love without the nonsense? Robin Savage has you covered.

We interviewed Robin after five different bouts of rescheduling, because her busy lifestyle waits for no one! As the a charge nurse the Rainbow Bay hospital, Robin is used to managing other people — both nurses and patients alike.

Her no-nonsense attitude means she’s quick to shut down disingenuous flirting and has no time for faithlessness. Give her everything or give her nothing at all!

On the down-low, Robin is known to some as the Red Death: a popular streamer known for endless kill streaks in various first person shooter games. Noobs fear her, lovers want her.

Robin is supported by Missile, the Australian shepherd. While Missile might look a little goofy, this good lass is one of the most well-behaved dogs we’ve ever met! Robin informs us she passed her Paws Academy training with full honours.

Sacha Cross, 27

If you were to describe Sacha Cross as a type of food it would be cinnamon rolls covered in glitter. Few people are so openly welcoming and warm, not to be mention fiercely loyal to their values.

As the founder and lead operator of a non-profit queer youth counselling service here in Rainbow Bay, Sacha is a staunch believer in the hearts of people. He tells us nothing matter more to him that the well-being of young queer people and the dismantling of the oppressive capitalist regime.

Sacha is supported in life by his own network of wonderful friends, most of whom he lives with! In a flat of five people, you’d think life could get pretty hectic. Fortunately, Sacha tells us everyone in his flat gets along 90% of the time. The other 10%, well… I guess you’ll just have to find out for yourself!

Marshmallow is the flat mascot, a little man of two halves: one side wishes to zoom endlessly and the other is bound to the couch. Everyone in the flat takes turns curating Marshmallow’s very popular InstaPup account, and much of his diet consists of gifts from sponsorship deals.

READY TO BARK UP THE RIGHT TREE?